Sunday, October 09, 2011

About As Useful As a 3 Pecker Billy Goat

Two weeks ago I hear a message on my answering machine from my sister saying her car won't start and she needs me to come boost her. Not surprising since it sat in her yard for almost a year but I digress. So finally the other day I get off my ass and go visit her bringing the handy, dandy booster box I bought Ian for Christmas one year. When I arrive she grabs the keys and we go out and pop the hood then both stand and stare at the battery........If any one's thinking "Just like a woman" right now, you'd be wise not to say it out loud.

OK since the battery doesn't suddenly charge under our intense stare I have to rely on past experiences. Yes, there has been a few rare occasions (shut up Ian, I know why I bought you that box for Christmas) where I have forgotten to turn off my vehicle lights or left a door not fully closed so I do know the clamps go to the battery posts, then you start the car you are trying to boost. The problem is although I am 99% sure the red goes on red and the black goes on black that little 1% is nagging me. Vicki helpfully tells me that the positive goes on the positive and the negative goes on the negative but really I'm supposed to know which is which?! I dealing with red and black here!

Since I have a 50/50 chance to get it right I bravely clamp the black on black. WTF! It pops off. I do it again, clamp, electrical snap, pop off. Clamp, snap, pop and so on and so on. After a dozen tries and several f. bombs later Vicki again ever so helpfully turns to me and says "you sound just like your father did yesterday when he tried". (Wait a minute! Dad was here and he couldn't do it but I'm supposed to be able to? and, Hey! How did he become just "MY" father?)

In response to my dirty glare she offers to try to do it but casually throws out there that she did recently have heart surgery. I quickly respond back that she should be the one to do it since she is the one equipped with her own personal defibrillator which sets us both off into a round of giggles that parallel a virgin at her first visit to a male strip club.

At this point 1 of her daughters walks out stating all she can hear is our "cackling" all through the house. "Bite me kid" and "why aren't you boosting your mother" quickly comes to mind, but me, being the gracious aunt that I am, bites my tongue instead. As she gets into her new, shiny, red car and leaves I spy a a big burly, grease under his nails, good Samaritan crossing the street so with my best come hither look plead for some assistance.

Big Burly, Grease Under His Nails, Mechanic Samaritan: "Well you are in luck little ladies" he states "as I am a mechanic and sure can help". (not at all sounding like John Wayne)
Sister: Giggling like a school girl meeting Justin Bieber, "well we sure could use a mechanic."

(With that giggle I'm thinking there is something else my single sister needs. But sorry again I digress.)

So with that he quickly sets the clamps with nary a fuss, well except for the reprimand that you never put the ground on first to which, since I am a gracious person currently in need of a good Samaritan, I again had to bite my tongue and not yell "Bite me, the other one wouldn't stay on!" and settle with "There's a ground?"

I jump in the car twist the key and click...sputter sputter, click...sputter sputter, click...sputter sputter.

Big Burly, Grease Under His Nails, Mechanic Samaritan: Well, your box is not charged! You need to charge it up.

At this point all I want to say is that it's my single sisters box that currently needs charging but stick to explaining that the electrical cord for the box is not with me.

Big Burly, Grease Under His Nails, Mechanic Samaritan: No problem just use a normal extension cord. See there is a plug outlet for it right here.
Me: Really? (doubt oozing from every fiber of my being) That outlet would work?

After assuring us that it would he leaves and my sister hurries into the house to find a cord.

Me: Err,Vicki come back, it's not going to work
Sister: Just a minute I'm looking for an extension cord.
Me: Don't bother it's not going to work.

10 min later my sister returns with extension cord......

Me: Forget about it, it won't work.
Sister: Why won't it work?
Me: If you plug it into the box electrical outlet you have nothing to plug it into the wall outlet.
Sister: Oh your right we're going to need two extension cords.
Me: Vicki come back, (vbs) its not going to work.

10 min later my sister returns......

Sister: We are out of luck I only have 1 cord.
Me: (takes deep breath and reminds self, she was recently without oxygen for a period of time) It won't work cause the booster box plug is a female needing a male part and the wall plug is a female needing a male part. I've never seen an extension cord with two plugs and I wouldn't be crazy enough to try and use one if I did.
Sister: Giggles again like....well you fill this one in, I've run out of quips.

Skinny, Young Kid Samaritan who pops up out of nowhere: Hey Ladies, do you need some help? I used to be a mechanic but I didn't like it cause they all over charge people for work that is not done and I wouldn't do it so my boss fired me but I do something else now (clean carpets I think) after I did some job (that had something to do with) logging in the bush.

Me: (silently to myself) Oh great another mechanic, who got fired, who will equally try and get one of us electrocuted like the last one.

Skinny, Young Kid, Former Mechanic, Logger and Something Else Good Samaritan: I have booster cables. I'll push the car out to the road and you can use your vehicle to boost it. Look here comes my wife, she can help push.

All goes as planned and the Skinny, Young Kid, Former Mechanic, Logger and Something Else Good Samaritan then looks over the car, tells us to leave it running for awhile and that it would help to keep it over so many rpms to give the battery some charge but it looks like the car needs antifreeze so watch it doesn't over heat. With the offer to always be available if needed he and wife leave.

(I'm such a bitch and silently apologize for my earlier sarcastic thoughts)

So you think this story ends here? Wrong, the temp gauge starts to go up so I jump in my vehicle to run and get some antifreeze. Off I go racing down the street but am forced to wait for a senior woman, looking frazzled crossing the road who then suddenly appears at my window.

Senior woman: I'm not from here, I'm looking for the mall to get to the bus station and think I'm lost.
Me: You are on the right road, just continue straight to the end and you will come to the mall
Senior woman: At the end of this long road? but I'm so tired (eyes semi-roll back into her head).
Me: (feeling guilty as all hell) I'd offer you a ride but I'm sorry, I'm in a big hurry to get some stuff for my sisters car before it blows up.

So I drive off praying that the woman's name isn't Karma and after picking up both antifreeze and oil cause I forgot which shit I originally went for, I return to my sisters. Miraculously the car is still running so we pop the hood and (Wait for it..... Do you know what's coming next?) begin to pour the bottle of oil into the oil-nozzle thingy. In case you don't already know......Oil + hot engine + snap, crackle, spit = me jumping half out of my skin and spilling half the bottle all over a very hot motor.

Me: Holy shit! Is there fire under all that billowing smoke?
Sister: I don't know
Me: Do you have insurance
Sister: Nope
Me: Fuck

10 min later after the majority of the smoke has cleared....

Me: Should I pour the rest in?
Sister: (pulls out dip stick) No, there is more then enough.
Me: How do you know, you didn't do it right and wipe down the stick first! (pours rest of bottle in, finds a scrap of paper, wipes dipstick and checks oil level).
Me: Err ...Vicki, your right, there is twice as much in as there should be.

Sister: the lid on the antifreeze tank says do not open if hot.
Me: OK, lets wait.
Sister: (after a lengthy 5 second wait reaches over and unscrews the lid)
Me: How do you know how much to put in?
Sister: I'll pour it, I'll know there's enough when it starts to bubble over.
Me: OK, sounds good to me

And so here ends my visit with my sister....we had a few giggles, the car finally got boosted, we met a couple of mechanics as well as an old lady who I'm sure is named Karma and who I expect to see again shortly.