Friday, October 07, 2011

Crucifixion Doesn't Alway Mean Saintly

Ian tried to crucify himself last weekend. Despite what others may believe he really is not that saintly, as I proved here. What he was on this occasion was stupid, careless and foolhardy. OK, that may sound too harsh but when using an air powered nail gun you do not stand on the wrong side of what you are nailing resulting in your pointing the gun towards yourself! (Warning: A 3 & 3/4 inch air powered nail will shoot all the way through 1 inch plywood and halfway through you finger like a knife through butter) (Are you done cringing yet?) Although not impressed with his failure to think safety first I was extremely impressed that he didn't punch his buddy Scott when he grabbed Ian's hand and yanked the almost 4 inch nail out. When I think about it though, Ian who is generally mild mannered except when he hurts himself, is not a very large man and Scott, while we may call him Scottie, is by no means a small man by any stretch of the imagination so perhaps extremely impressed should be down graded to rather grateful. It probably helped that Ian was lucid enough to ask to be given a moment to collect himself and that everyone else wisely took 5 steps back. What didn't help was that despite all of us owning First-aid kits they of course were no where to be found either being back at the car, or at home, or at the other camp sites. Proof again that MacGyver I am not despite what some people like to say. What also didn't help was Ian could not remember when he had his last tetanus shot but I ask you who ever can remember if it wasn't within the last year? All in all it could have been worse then 5 hours sitting in the hospital ER, a tetanus shot and a very colorful finger but I bet next weekend all of us will have our first aid kits prepped and ready.

P.S: I'm allergic to 5 hour hospital emergency rooms waits and dirt borne diseases that makes you shake violently enough to snap bones so I have an appointment booked for my tetanus shot in two weeks.

P.S.S: Since it would have been unseemly for me to be snapping photo's of Ian "bleeding out" there are no before and after pic's so I had to make do with a really bad drawing.

Unsuspecting accident waiting to happen

OH my little retarded buddy, did you get a boo boo?

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Big Girls Don't Wear Diapers

Dear Mom and Mother Nature,
Mom, you feed me every day without pay or complaint, yes it's the crappy nutritious, crunchy stuff and I'd much prefer what you eat but it fills my belly so I love you. Yes, you've given me my own bed to sleep in and although I wouldn't mind sharing your bed I'll admit the cookie before I go to sleep each night makes me your slave. I thank you for the long meandering walks through the bush where I get to enjoy all of what Mother Nature has to offer. Although you try to stop me from rolling in all that wonderful, berry filled bear poop I usually get a good long roll in once or twice before we have to go home so I still adore you. Since you take me for car rides to interesting places like Lake Nipissing where there is no possible way to prevent me from rolling in the aromatic dead bodies of shad flies, I can forgive you the occasional trick ride to the vets.
 Mother Nature, you have given me leaves to run through, logs to jump over and cool running waters to drink and swim in. You provide me with mud puddles to bury my head in, small animals to chase after and smelly, large animal poop to roll in. I adore you to the extreme and your wonderful bounty makes me quiver with excitement BUT dear Mother Nature when you come visiting me bearing your womanly "gift" and mom puts these embarrassing diapers on me, well it's at moments like this I despise you both! 
Pissed off,  Love, Sincerely,